Ye Kynge is diſtreſsed.

Indeed, it ſeemeth as if his deſcent in future tymes hath taken to worſhip (of all thynges!) ſcyence, which is little bettere than magick, and neither explaineth nor expreſseth nothing of worthe.

Therefore, (&, as anye good Kynge woulde do!) We have reſolved to take ye neceſsarye meaſures in order to ſave our future ſubjects (whom We love as dearly as our preſent ſubjects) from becoming clodhopperes due to ye perils of ye future worlde, viz., biologye, Harry Pottere, Cromwell, and other ſuch diſtreſsing names.

For that purpouſe, as you may ſee in ye engravinge, I have raiſed an armye of ferocious Pudel Dogges, who ſhall lay waſte to ye country.

Ah, ye burden of ye Crowne!

Brigadiere Gerard

Ye kynge is moſt amuſed.

Indeede, amuſed that they ſhall finally be makynge a movinge picturre of ye novels of Brigadiere Gerard.

For thoſe who have not reade them, they are ſhorte ſtoryes, moſt droll, written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, aboute a Huſsar in Napoleon's armye, in a period ſomewhate later than myne.

Nevertheleſs, as may bee ſeene a few poſtes downardes, this doth not reaſsure mee for I feare a reſurgence of ye Frenche-baſshinge.

Will it be ſo? Ye kynge wondereth.

Boye ſtriketh againe.

Upon ye left do you ſee him, Boye, Pudel Dogge to Prince Rupert, winner of Battles & whatnot. Many a tyme hath he ridden beſide Our moſt loyal general, Prince Rupert of ye Rhine.

In anye caſe, Ye Kynge was thinkinge aboute ye uſe of publick diſcuſsioun forums; it is amuſing how, from a thing borne of ye will to diſcuſs, iſ moſt often borne a ſectarian place dominated by one of ye pointes of viewe, and whoſe goale is ſupreſsing diſsent.

Ah! Perfidious parliament of myne, doſt thou followe ye ſame route?

Ye Dunciad

IF ye Kynge hath a moſt-ſpecial Powere, it is that of travellinge through Tyme (and indeede he doth, for otherwiſe, how would he be writinge a Royal Blogge?), and therefore, We ſaw, in our travels upon ye Royal Inter-kyngdome Webbe, that one of our (future) ſubjects had writtene a moſt amuſing Booke called ye Dunciad (hinte -- his name is Pope).

How appropriate indeede, that ſuch a name be compoſed! For, uſing of my Kingly powere, I ſhall appropriate Myſelfe of itte and uſe it for this Article.

Ye Dunciad is a ſong much ſung in theſe future Tymes; mediocrity, as it ſeemeth, hath become ye rule amongſt our ſubjects, and, foregoing ye healthy emulatione of My Owne Tyme, ſeem to diſpute themſelves ye Title of being ye moſt Mediocre & Undeſerving.

Among theſe are even thoſe who, fancying themſelves men of letters, have gone to Univerſitye, and yet prove themſelves to be all the greater Fools by denigrating & attacking ye work of others, in particular ye Theologiſts, by evoking pink Unicornes, not knowinge thatte, whereas ye dogma is derived from exegeſis, ſynods & councils, their pinke Unicorne is derived from Stupidity. Their owne ſtupiditye, mind.

Then are thoſe who, like this dubious Subject of myne, Sir Marmaduke Rawdon (a Manne whom I've had to knighte in ſpite of him having ye refinement of a Green-Grocer) uphold their own lack of breeding, and feel as naked without their baſeneſs, as a Whore without her Patches.

And many more a foole did I meete through my Travels through Tyme; I could ſpeak of ye Catalans, who foregoe all but themſelves, and claim Linage & Parentage with thoſe who recognize them not (ſuch as ye Sardinians!), or thoſe who baſhe ye French, or thoſe who call themſelves antifaſciſtes (a very novel word) whilſt they perpetrate actes of violaunce, or thoſe who believe Spain to be in ſouth America, &c.

Ye Kynge ſhall not go on; yet reſt aſsured, that he thinks they are idiots.

Meet our Royal Couſin

Meete Our Royal Couſin, Louis XIII of France. You may already have noticed ye familiaritye between us.

The other day, Louis ſaid to himſelf, "I fancy a little Chocolate." And ſo, he was ſo kind to call upon Henrietta and We at our retreat in Dunfermline Caſtle, where we hadde Chocolate and diſcuſsed polytiques.

What! We were appalled to heare, that ſome of Our Royal Subjects, in ye American colonyes, were badde-mouthinge Our Royal Couſin and his kin. Pray, tell us more, (ſaid We) and he did recount to Us, that there was little a ſlur, no matter how meane, which was ſaved in denigratynge Our Couſin, and moſt in general, ye French.

We uttered our Royal ſcoff, however, when he told us ye moſt amuſing Jeſt: They claymed ye French were cowards!

Wherever they founde ſuch a fooliſh concept, I ſhall attribute to ye fevers of ſuch tropicall latitudes. Indeede, amongſt ye moſt victorious Nations of our tyme, in what cometh to courage, God's Wounds! Ye French have few rivals. Have we not been at warre with them manye tymes, and yet we know notte who was moſt meritorious of the two, ſo verily conteſt'd was ye fighte?

Yet indeede (ſayeth He) they inſiſt that we "ſurrender" at everye chaunce we gette. What, (ſays I) with ye cruel warre You lead againſt ye mighty Spaniard ſtill, and yet come out unſcathed? Indeede (replieth He) they ignore all reaſon; and when ſuch examples are quoted, as a manner of illuſtrating them, they yet claime that thoſe were not victories, and that we loſt all ye warres, and that we exiſt thankes to them.

At this pointe, I knew not what to ſay. How could men be turned fools to ſuch an extente? I ſhall ſpeak to ye Royal Apothecarye, who is a Doctor of Physick, and telle him to preſcribe ſome remedye to my ſubjects acroſs ye vaſt Sea.

Ye kynge is watchinge thee...

...and indeed he is. For this Introduction (if this brief Addreſs, of ſcarſely more value than the Horn-Book, may deſerve ſuch a name) is used, as a Sow-Gender does his Horn, that as by hearing of the latter, you may give a ſhrewd gueſs at his Busineſs; ſo by reading of the former, you may rightly understand my deſign: Which is only to publiſh in ſo plain a form my various thoughts & retaliations about things that I like, or others I diſapprove. This is not to become, as ſome would have it, an outlet to vent one's own Vanity; for indeed, some are ſuch fantaſtical Beaus in writing, that one would think that they conſider this as a mere Market-Stall through which they are to advertiſe themſelves as fiſh which is to be bunged off before it's rotten.

Therefore, Clarity being our firſt and foremoſt Vantage, I ſay that this is not about Me, or my Perſon (this being cunningly camouflaged by a heavy diſguiſe of archaic ſpeech and a royal coverup) but rather, of what little I have to offer in terms of Wit, Underſtanding, and Opinion.

"...the reſt is ſilence".